Breast or bottle? Cloth or disposable? Organic or conventional? These are just some of the many questions we as Moms ask ourselves. Raising a child is hard work and we all strive to be the best parents we can be. This brings me to a topic that I've noticed over the years with disturbing frequency, both online and in everyday life.
Mommy Wars. Even if you aren't familiar with the term, you've probably fell victim to, or witnessed the malice of one of these battles. Simply put, a Mommy War involves one or more moms bitterly putting down the parenting choices of another. I think some arguments (but certainly not all) start off as a mom honestly trying to share the knowledge of her choices and what works for her. The problem arises when she pushes just a little too far. Hell hath no fury like a mommy whose parenting ability is called into question. This particular form of battle can be easily resolved. Then you have the OTHER type of battle. A mom with a holier-than-thou attitude who thinks that her choices are the only way and everyone else is wrong, wrong, WRONG!
Its the latter of these two arguments that I see the most often, and that worries me. If you want to witness one of these brutal bloodbaths, just take a look over the myriad of "Mommy" Facebook pages or groups or online parenting forums. For example, I was witness to a particularly nasty war on a Facebook page that I follow a few weeks ago. The discussion was on how long to rear-face a child in the car. Most are aware that the AAP now recommends rear facing until two years of age. A mom had innocently stated that her son was a couple of months away from his second birthday and had outgrown his rear-facing seat. She had wanted to know if the other moms thought it would be okay to either go ahead and let him front face, or to keep him in the seat until he was two. Plenty of moms gave their polite opinions. Then came the war. One "Meanie Mommy" (what I like to call the instigators of these arguments) decided to interject and tell her that her ONLY option was to buy an ERF (extended rear-facing) carseat. (Now, I don't know if you've priced ERF's lately, but they generally run anywhere from $100-$400. Despite the cost, some backseats are not capable of fitting one of these monstrous seats. We know from experience.) Well, as many of us moms would say, the original poster commented that she could not afford the ERF. It happens. Meanie Mommy replied that anyone that ever even left their driveway with a child under 4 years old forward-facing was putting that child at risk of death, and that if parents could not afford to buy an ERF seat, then they couldn't afford to have children or raise a child.
Of course, Meanie Mommy has a right to her opinion, we all do. Regardless of whether she is right or wrong, that is her opinion and how she raises her child, but when that opinion blatantly attacks and insults another mother's parenting abilities, then there is a problem. And its not just carseats. Feeding, working, staying at home, labor methods, all are subject to the Mommy War wrath.
All of us mommies are just trying to do the absolute best that we can. Yet we all see other moms out and about whose children seem smarter or more well-behaved, more socialized, more anything than our own and suddenly we have to push that nagging voice of doubt back down. We've probably all had the same thought at one point or another, whether we're a first-time mom or or a 6 time veteran; "What is she doing so right that I am doing so wrong?"
STOP IT!!!!!
You aren't doing a damn thing wrong! You are doing what is best for your family in your specific set of circumstances, as is every other mom you see. We all have our own parenting challenges that we are facing, and just like our parenting styles they are all unique.
So whether you vaccinate or not, circumcise or not, baby wear or not, or any other of the insane amount of choices you or another mommy make, embrace those differences. There is absolutely no need whatsoever to fight about it, online or in person.
To the "Meanie Mommies" of the world: Please realize that you are not the only mother on Earth. There were billions before you and there will be billions after you. You are no better than anyone, nor are you any worse. You are a mom, just like the rest of us. Please learn to celebrate the beauty of our differences instead of using them to make others feel inferior.
To the insecure Mamas out there that have ever had to question your skills: stop doubting yourselves! You're a mommy; you've made a beautiful miracle. You've earned your stripes. There isn't a soul on Earth that has the right to tell you otherwise or make you feel like any less of a mother! Keep your head held high. Let every smile, giggle, hug, kiss and "I love you" from your child(ren) be your reassurance that you are being the best mama you can be!
